


Beautiful Goodbye

by Laura Shapiro (laurashapiro)



Category: due South
Genre: M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-25
Updated: 2008-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-02 02:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurashapiro/pseuds/Laura%20Shapiro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before he leaves Chicago, Ray has one last night with Fraser -- but Fraser doesn't know it. Mildly AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautiful Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Te for Happy UnBeta, Spike for inspiration, and Pares for showing me the light.

You wanna know something ironic? I've been tracking you.

Okay, so maybe not exactly tracking. I mean, it's not like I'm trying to hunt   
you, catch up with you, take you down. I'm just sort of...watching. And not all   
the time. But the incredible thing is, you haven't even noticed.

I mean, this is me, city boy, watching _you_, the guy who can smell a suspect's   
shoe polish from twelve blocks away.

Yeah, the smell thing was hard to figure out at first. But then I figured, I gotta   
change my name, my clothes, my hair, my associates (these guys don't say   
'friend' unless something seriously bad is gonna happen), might as well   
change the aftershave. Shampoo. Soap. All that stuff. Cuz this new guy I'm   
trying to be probably wouldn't be using Aqua Velva, you know what I'm   
saying?

Anyway, I guess it's working, because you haven't caught me. Not that I'm   
hanging around the precinct, or walking past your apartment all the time --   
that would be dangerous. For both of us. But every once in a while, in the   
course of, you know, business, I end up in your neighborhood. And lemme   
tell you, it's the first time I've ever been happy about your choice of   
neighborhoods.

And from a ways away, far enough that you're mostly just a red blob, I   
sometimes see you walking Deifenbaker. A smallish white blob, and a biggish   
red blob, but it's so obviously you, because no one else _walks_ like that. And   
everyone else walks their wolf on a _leash._

So I kind of skulk, I guess. I mean, I did learn a few things from you. Okay, a   
lotta things. You haven't seen me, you haven't heard me, and thanks to Brut,   
you haven't smelled me either. Even Dief isn't on to me.

I'm not really sure why I do it. I mean, even with the precautions, it's still a   
risk. Maybe it's just because I feel like I never really got to say goodbye.

That phone call. God. I _really_ didn't want that to be the last time I ever   
talked to you. It makes me squirm just thinking about it. I was trying to tell   
you without telling you. You must've hated it. And especially after...

No, I prefer to think of the last time we actually *saw* each other. Before you   
went on vacation. August. Almost a year ago, now.

You didn't wanna go out that night. You were leaving the next morning,   
handed me some BS about wanting to "prepare for your journey". Ha! As if I   
didn't know you only owned about four things in your whole crappy   
apartment, and you weren't even gonna take all of them with you. So I   
insisted that _I_ would prepare you for your fucking journey.

"Come on, Benny," I said. "Lemme show you a night on the town, give you   
something _nice_ to tell your Inuit pals back home."

And then you gave me that smile, that smile of yours like a gift, and the fact   
that you give that smile to everybody only makes it more valuable somehow.   
"All right, Ray," you said.

So I did. I took you for a good old fashioned steakhouse dinner at Mortons,   
where you ate like a civilized marine but wouldn't let me get you drunk.   
That didn't stop me from having a few, and finally you had a glass of wine,   
and you looked so...what's the word...like some kinda cultivated wine snob,   
swirling it and sniffing it -- I almost laughed. But seeing you enjoying   
something like that, well, I was just glad for it.

You told me one of your crazy stories, and then I watched you feed   
Diefenbaker the scraps, wondering if you'd ever looked at another human   
being the way you looked at that wolf.

We were supposed to go see a show that night, I had good tickets, but we'd  
missed the curtain, so I dragged you off for a nightcap. I don't know how, but   
we ended up in my old neighborhood, and it felt kinda good to be back there.   
Home. Safe. And it was warm and muggy, coulda cut the air with a knife, but   
that felt nice too, somehow. Not too sticky, just sorta cozy.

And you were playing it safe in that dive of a bar, my friend, having one   
drink for my three. Like you were letting me get looped on purpose so I'd tell   
you a secret that you knew already but you wanted to hear me say it. But the   
funny thing was, you were the one who told me.

I was pretty messed up when we left, and I think Dief noticed cuz he was   
walking close to me like he wanted to protect me. But you were close too, so   
maybe that's why. I remember you were holding my arm, the roughness of   
your coat under my hand -- I couldn't have been so plastered that I needed   
you to hold me up, because I remember every minute of that walk, remember   
thinking, how can he wear that thing in this weather, remember both of us   
laughing at some dumb joke, remember asking you

"So whatcha gonna do on your vacation, Benny?"

"I'm not really sure, Ray. Whatever the spirit moves me to do, I suppose. The   
Yukon has a way of bending people to her will. It's best not to make too many   
plans."

I couldn't let that sit, for some reason. I wanted to _know_. It was strange   
enough imagining what Benton Fraser might do on a vacation (it sure as hell   
wasn't going to involve fruity drinks with umbrellas in 'em), but it was more   
than that. I wanted to know, so I could think of it while you were gone.

"See family?" I pressed. "Friends? Go hunting? Rescue a few good-lookin'   
damsels in distress?"

You were smiling right along until I got to the damsels, and then your face   
caved in in that way it does whenever women are mentioned, and I felt like a   
heel.

"Aw, shit, Ben. You don't hafta tell me if you don't want to." Then the   
sidewalk pitched a little and my nice steak dinner was giving me warning   
signs like I was gonna see it again if I didn't sit still. I stopped. "Unh, I think I   
need to --" I leaned against a building for a minute.

"Ray, I think you are experiencing the effects of overindulgence in alcohol.   
Would you like me to get you some coffee?" But your hand was on my   
shoulder, warm and heavy, and even if I wouldn't have puked at the smell of   
coffee, I didn't wanna send you running after it, right then.

I took some deep breaths. "No...no. I'm okay. It'll pass."

You looked so serious, so _concerned_, I had to look away. I just concentrated   
on breathing for a while.

"Ray, I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"About the Yukon."

Figures. "Okay, Benny. What have you been thinking about the Yukon?"

"She can be unforgiving, Ray. Dangerous. It's possible that --" I turned toward   
you again, and you had the look you get when you're willing a thought not to   
be there. You still had your hand on my shoulder, and I felt you tighten it,   
just a little. But you looked down, not at me, and you said "I'll miss you,   
Ray."

I wasn't queasy anymore, but suddenly I thought the night was just a little   
_too_ warm.

"I'll miss you too, Benny." I don't know why I didn't just make some dumb   
joke, but I didn't. And it was a good call, because you looked at me then, and   
sorta tightened your hand again, and smiled.

"Are you all right now, Ray?" Your eyes were shining. You were probably just   
happy I wasn't going to puke on your shoes.

I took another deep breath, and covered your hand with mine. "I'm all right   
now, Benny."

And then there was some kinda negotiation involving whether I needed   
your help to walk, and it gets pretty muddled after that, but I think you put   
me in a cab. The next thing I remember I was waking up in my bed with my   
mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage and a hammer pounding in my   
head.

My clock said 10:43, and I knew you were already gone.

 

END

 

Beautiful Goodbye   
by Amanda Marshall

Fed up with my destiny   
And this place of no return   
Think I'll take another day   
And slowly watch it burn   
It doesn't really matter how the time goes by   
Cause I still remember you and I   
And that beautiful goodbye

We staggered through these empty streets   
Laughing arm in arm   
The night had made a mess of me   
Your confession kept me warm   
And I don't really miss you, I just need to know   
Do you ever think of you and I   
And that beautiful goodbye

When I see you now   
I wonder how   
I could've watched you walk away   
If I let you down   
Please forgive me now   
For that beautiful goodbye

In these days of no regrets   
I keep mine to myself   
And all the things we never said   
I can say for someone else   
Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try   
And I just can't help but wonder why   
We let it pass us by

When I see you now   
I wonder how   
I could've watched you walk away   
If I let you down   
Please forgive me now   
For that beautiful goodbye


End file.
